266. Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom - Susan Gold

Susan Gold audio

Kara Goodwin: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Meditation Conversation, the podcast to support your spiritual revolution. I'm your host, Kara Goodwin, and today I'm joined by Susan Gold. Susan is the author of Toxic Family Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She's navigated a ferociously challenging upbringing while bravely moving forward as an adult to face ingrained, outdated, and patriarchal.

Programming head on. She leads others through the perspective of her own journey of abuse, addiction, and surviving narcissism, all while creating a distinctly empowering personal and professional life. She's dedicated to helping others. Let go of dense and outdated [00:01:00] programming to live in more heaven here on earth.

Susan has a lot to share about the family patterns and trauma that's played out throughout her life and how she's identified these patterns and consciously worked to overcome them. One thing that I want to highlight here is how she talks about her. Ex-husband being her greatest guru. We dig into this during the episode and through the clarifying conversation, it seems that she means that she's learned so much about herself and her spirit through the ups and downs of their relationship. 

That he was like a guru in that way. And there is a spiritual way of looking at life's most difficult challenges is our greatest teachers. And I'm 100% on board with that viewpoint. However, I know many, many people right now who are overcoming relationships with narcissists, and I'm not saying that that's what Susan went through. Maybe she did. 

I don't know her details, but I know in those cases that they're really working hard to reclaim their [00:02:00] power. They've been suppressed and cut down day after day for years or decades. And yes, their spiritual gifts and overcoming all of life's challenges. But if we're still placing someone who has manipulated abused or otherwise caused us harm, 

Up on a pedestal and thinking there's some sort of God or spiritual master. We're still under their spell. As we move through processing our story and grief, we can come out the other side into some gratitude and higher perspective of the relationship. But I would argue that even then we would not place them as though they're above us and that their harm was some sort of deliberate. 

Masterful orchestration of theirs for our evolution. And again, I'm not speaking about Susan, but this just comes from the many, many people getting out from controlling relationships with narcissists. And I just really feel compelled to quash any impetus that they might have to twist their [00:03:00] perspective and start identifying controlling, abusive manipulative behavior. 

Into the work of a guru. So with that said, Let's talk about come Russo. Take control of your stress with this beautiful and powerful tool. There's no app batteries or chemicals involved. It's a beautiful product that you wear that induces a proven breath technique that calms you down. This is such a great product. You can check out episode two 40, 

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Kara Goodwin: So welcome, Susan. It's so nice to meet you. Kara, it's nice to meet you too, and just to go with the theme of your program. I hope you'll [00:04:00] indulge me and maybe your listeners will too. I just need to take one of those four in, rest hold for four and release to ground. Oh, perfect. No, I'm gonna do that now.

Breathe in. Okay. Four. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 4, 2, 3. Four and I'm gonna release for 4, 2, 3. Four. Yeah, I just needed to put it in motion, Kara, and have purpose. So thank you for indulging me. That what? What a beautiful suggestion because you and I, as before we started recording, it was just there we're having technology things going on and we're kind of introducing each other, and that was a great idea.

Let's just take a pause, get centered, and then we can start. I love that. Thank you and it's really [00:05:00] practical in daily life and it's so easily missed. certainly for me, cuz I was that rat on that wheel spinning that wheel into perfection land that never came for so long. And then finally it was just, okay, slow down.

Take a breath, because that's just about all you have in front of you at this moment. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. you have a very trauma informed approach to your work, and I'm curious about what you can share with us about your own experience with overcoming and transforming trauma. And then you just alluded to being in the.

Hamster wheel of, existence. And I know a lot of people can relate to that too. So how have you gone from, where were you before you went from there to where you are now? I was in a very chaotic and violent home. My parents were doing absolutely the [00:06:00] best they could. I feel blessed to have grown up in the home that I did.

It gave me a lot of tools on, how to thrive under really intense circumstances, and I believe that I picked that. In home environment for the soul evolution I wanted to create in this lifetime, but I was the middle of five. My dad is a brilliant astrophysicist, but I believe he had trouble with alcohol.

Mm-hmm. And my mother was equally as ingenious. But she was saddled with five children under the age of 30. She sued through food and overeating. sh her central nervous system was on absolute overdrive. She had a very traumatic upbringing, and her father had a traumatic upbringing. So this is in my lineage and it was hurt.

And abused children, raising hurt and abused [00:07:00] children, and I focused on leaving and getting out. And the morning after high school graduation I did, I didn't go back very often, and I wanted to get to New York. City, which I did even in college. created an internship there. But once I got to New York after college and settled into my first position, which was at a large global talent agency, there were red flags from my past.

There was behavior that was so similar to what I saw growing up and what I served in terms of the people around you or treating you the same way. That you had been treated growing up? Is that what you mean with the red flags? So I was in abusive relationships. Mm-hmm. There was a lot of drama. one day I took a slug from a wine jug to ask for a raise, and I knew there was something wrong with that picture immediately.

Mm-hmm. [00:08:00] Um, my friends were getting seedier. And my circumstances were not what I was hoping for. I was very goal-oriented and driven and didn't understand why it took sunglasses, a baseball hat and headphones to walk around my Manhattan, just to feel like I could survive. So I was very lucky to he those signs and to look for help.

Hmm. Wow. So, About how long into your journey did that self-awareness come into focus? Because it, that's, I, it takes maturity and it takes a self-awareness to be able to recognize like, wait a minute, there are patterns playing out here. This isn't in my best interest. It sounds like maybe you were noticing it on the fly or.

Yeah, in, in action. I was very determined and focused to not create my home [00:09:00] environment once I left that home environment and I didn't really understand the effects of the trauma that I was experiencing. I knew there was trauma in my home and my siblings and I all have a very distinct and different.

memory of growing up there, but I knew immediately when I, and it was mostly around work, Kara, that I could really see something is wrong. and I was telling lies just as easily as it was to tell the truth. And my morals were slipping. Why was I in this abusive relationship where the gentleman held the purse strings?

Why was I in that circumstance? Why did I need that wine to ask for a raise? Why was I going out and starting to become concerned? Was there going to be alcohol there because I couldn't face someone? Without having a drink in hand to feel comfortable. So I did get [00:10:00] ushered to a therapist's office and somehow I went, I was willing to be willing at that point.

And he immediately talked about was there alcoholism in my family? How much did my father drink? Was I drinking? And that I was not to drink while I was in treatment with him. I didn't understand. I thought I was happy when I drank, but I was willing to take instruction as suggested. And once I got clean, the fog started to lift and I could start to see circumstances that didn't fit.

and one was I was being sexually harassed. In the workplace and I didn't quite understand that. And I used to watch Barbara Walters on my beanbag chair in my basement on my valley growing up in my home. And I wanted to go to New York and be like her. I ended up training her. I was her exercise trainer on, no kidding.

The side. Yeah. Barbara Walters. Wow. Yeah. And I rang her doorbell one morning at 7:00 AM and she said, [00:11:00] Susan, get in here. What is going on with you? And she was a great intuitive and an amazing interviewer for a reason, and she got it right outta me. And she said, I'm coming to work with you this morning and we're confronting this man together.

Oh my goodness. And I said, Barbara, I'm gonna be okay. And I went on my own and I did confront him and he asked me did I have everything I needed and I said yes. And he said, great, you're fired. And I had about two and a half months of money in the bank. I had just extricated myself from that abusive relationship I mentioned, and I was just newly sober and I decided I couldn't go back and work at a.

As an assistant, so I decided to open my own talent brokerage firm, matching celebrities with brands, and one of my first and most major deals was to knock on the door of the factory to convince Andy Warhol to do a TV commercial for Pontiac that he didn't really wanna do. Wow. [00:12:00] Oh my goodness. That's incredible.

So that, that really set me off on a journey matching celebrities with brands and becoming known to that. For that, that led me into television producing and a job of my dreams that I imagined. I envisioned, certainly when I was watching Barbara as a child growing up, but it actually manifested. And what also manifested were old behaviors that I needed to outgrow.

My self-esteem was nil. My feeling of preciousness was small, compassion was narrow, and I didn't really understand living from the heart. It was about living to get up and over and jump to the next stone that would lift you up, I'm sorry to say. And ultimately, I was invited to Los Angeles for what I thought was a career [00:13:00] opportunity, and really it was to meet one of my greatest gurus, the man who would become my ex-husband.

and that's where everything came together for me. I was searching, certainly after I got clean, I had to work with clinical depression, which I worked with off and on for about 10 years, and I did have to utilize. Medication off and on until I learned the signs and symptoms and not, I would not fall down that far.

but I had to work with suicidal depression, and I had to stand up to narcissistic relationships ultimately and understand what they were. And endurance athletics, marathons, triathlons, ultimately master swimming. All served to help numb. The pain that I was running from and I used [00:14:00] yoga, like a Jedi uses a sword.

I was just, for 10 years I was in that, a stronger room practicing, practicing and going to then in to biram. And I wanted to be the best in the hot yoga room. And it was all from a place of ego and I really had to become humbled. I also, was gifted to be introduced to meditation. Very early on in my twenties and went on week long silent meditation retreats and really learned what meditation could bring to, to calm my central nervous system.

but ultimately I had to face my addiction to the attention of men, and I would pick from low hanging fruit and I would take care of, and I would enable. And I had to understand what I was doing, and my friends were all, you're so powerful, you're so capable. And inside I felt [00:15:00] I was crumbling and I was keeping it all together through the self-esteem I was gaining through my sport and my meditation practice and my yoga.

But ultimately my husband's mask fell. And I was trying to hold a relationship together that was well past its expiration date, and he folded his arms and his eyes went into those cold slits and he said, I'm hiring an attorney and I'm filing for divorce. And I heard that little voice that we do, Cara, and it said, this is the universe doing for you what you cannot do for yourself.

And it was an excruciating year of living in the same household, a home that I had bought and maintained for our family. And he held. [00:16:00] Court in the master bedroom while I was in a partial conversion on a mattress on the floor in the garage. Oh my goodness. And that was a metaphor, Cara, for the relationship.

And that was also a metaphor for how I was treating myself. In relationship, my physicality, my being, and so it was a year creating a monastery in that little room and holding no contact and even no eye contact with my. Husband who would become my ex-husband to get through the year it took to write him the six figure check, and he would move on to his next source of supply.

Wow. But this Cara was a huge gift and I really hope that, Listeners [00:17:00] out there that may be going through something similar can really take this in, this man delivered to me. My authentic power and freedom, all the abuse that I had suffered. All the anguish and the uncertainty, it all came up in this, and all my tools, my experience in therapies, my endurance, athletics, my yoga practice, my meditation practice.

It was like perfect storm coming together so I could move through this experience as the beautiful human being that I am, that I learned. I am. So my soul could really evolve and be free. And I think that's the message that, that I'm living so clearly and profoundly now with such grace. Well, your perspective is phenomenal and I [00:18:00] believe that I'm, that I understand when you say that this man, this ex-husband was your guru, but I would like to revisit.

That description of him, because do you mean that he was a spiritual teacher or that just through the circumstances of how you had this evolution, he served the role of like, accelerating your, your spiritual development because of the challenges that he presented to you and how you moved through them?

Well, the latter. Is the truth. And he was not an official spiritual guru, but I see it as such. I see that role that he played as one of a living embodied guru to deliver the lesson that he did. And once I could shift my perspective [00:19:00] and really see it that way, things began to shift. And the power. Yeah. To me it seems though that he's a mirror for you.

I, I just, I just wanna be careful in terms of our, the way that we, because I appreciate what you're saying. Like our people who are our tormentors or however they've presented in our lives can be our greatest teachers. And from a spiritual perspective, they may be. They may be our spiritual teacher or they may be whatever, but they're still accountable for how they treat people.

And I, and in the spiritual community, we do have a lot of true gurus who are abusing their power. And so it's ki that's a, such a, loaded term anyway, but it does tend to have this worship, quality to it. So I just wanna be clear in terms of like, It's not that it's like this, blind, like, oh my God, you, you [00:20:00] know, I just worship everything that you know, because you're so wise and you, you're so deliberate and so, you know, but rather this mirror of you that showed up that in the perfect storm and everything that you mentioned, that it's like, okay, here is a reflection, an opportunity, kind of a portal that I can go through and this is a tool that's helping me.

But not in the, not in like a spiritual master type of way. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. It totally makes sense. I think maybe when I was first falling in love, he might have fit the first category, but yeah, certainly not when we went through the final experience. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you for that delineation.

I really appreciate that. Well, it's, it is fascinating and I think it's so valuable to have this perspective of, I mean, everything you've talked about. First of all, I really honor the transparency [00:21:00] and the vulnerability that you share with your story. Because there's a lot there. You've been through so much and the fact that you've been able to truly use it and see yourself wi with such clarity too.

Because even going into like the sports and like, I was caring like you were physically caring for yourself and you were making like healthy choices in that way, you know, you'd given up alcohol, which that's also an interesting topic because. You kind of mentioned where you were like, I thought I was having fun when I was drinking and I, it's interesting because I think that, certain types of alcohol abuse gets nor, it definitely is normalized in our society where it's like, just living to get to five o'clock or whatever and people joking about it like, Is it five yet?

And I, I just, I can't keep going until I get that drinker. The only thing that's keeping me going is getting that drink and [00:22:00] we just laugh about it and bond over that type of thing. And it can take like the, that true self-reflection to be like, do I really need this to keep going? Like, is, and what does that say?

Am I. Do I need some help or, but the self-reflection that you have, that authenticity of like, even when I was training for these ex, these sports, that, that was kind of maybe an escape or, something like that is, I really appreciate your perspective, but. the way that you view your challenges and challengers as like opportunities and even seeing them from the sole perspective is really beautiful.

And I don't know if you have more to say just about how you have arrived at that perspective over time. It was a long process. I was stuck as many of us are just eating the rat poison and expecting the perpetrator to [00:23:00] drop over. And yeah, it took me a long time to see what I was doing and how that resentment was eating at me, not at anyone else.

And then the piece of coming to understand that there are opportunities for incredible soul growth and lessons that's taken, mentorship that's taken time on the cushion, that's taken experience of living. And believe me, I don't feel that way every moment. Mm-hmm. But the majority of my time, I do feel that way.

And that is, Hugely freeing. Mm. And I do feel I had a plan coming in. I think maybe next time I'll check out the fine print,

 but I do, I've taken on a lot and I've moved through a lot and I've evolved as a human being [00:24:00] as a result. Mm-hmm. And I've found huge compassion. Not just for others, but for myself, which is profoundly life-changing and freeing to get out of that. Victim cycle or out of the rage, but not poo-pooing and paint brushing and prancing around.

Really going into it, embracing it, and then finding a way that's natural up and out. I think that's. My hugest gift, and I've been successful in my career. I've had an interesting life. I've had huge opportunities of traveling and meeting individuals that some, think as many gods who are just celebrities putting one foot in their pants leg at a time, only in public, but.

I feel like [00:25:00] now I am truly Kara living my purpose. And the book, writing the book really helped put those puzzle pieces together. and it also gave me a respect for my journey to see it through. In black and white. And then I was able to take exercises that helped me, just like the box breathing we did at the beginning.

So there's a whole workbook in the appendix of the book that goes along with the chapters and people are finding. Their way through and healing as a result, and oh my gosh, that is almost worth everything I've been through, if not worth. Yeah. Everything I've been through. So I just feel like I have been completely led looking back, I have an incredible team supporting me, carrying me.

There's been way too much serendipity. Mm-hmm. I mean, Barbara [00:26:00] Walters was just one. There's just so many magical things happening, including being delivered to this beautiful rural Montana setting I'm in after living decades, happily in New York City and Los Angeles. I. That little voice again came in.

Yeah. Maybe somewhere less crowded. Yeah, maybe some, yeah. So how did you end up in Montana? It wasn't even on my bucket list. I had a friend here. But I had never visited. I went to look at West Virginia because that little voice was getting annoying. I couldn't quiet it down. You something smaller. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, my son is still in college in California and I had no intention of leaving the state before he graduated. But there were just a couple of signs, there was a lot of talk about some legislation coming down that wasn't gonna. Be exactly to my benefit and it just got [00:27:00] frenetic.

Very frenetic and very closed. And I decided, okay, I'll just look around. I was just looking and I flew over the Flathead Lake into Montana and it was like a Brigadoon or Camelot. It felt so magical. And when I lived in New York City, I had a cabin up in the Catskills and I really missed that. Mm. But the area that I'm in now is like, The Catskills times 10, and I truly believe that I was relocated for purpose.

That I'm here to bring new ways of thinking and to spread light like I'm sure your listeners are, and I know you do cuz I've heard your podcasts. Oh, thanks. And I know what you are delivering and I know your mission that you're fulfilling so beautifully. So yeah, it almost. It almost was done for me.

I took the actions I was yet again [00:28:00] brave. It was terrifying to leave my little setup and those, I'm sure completely new, but yeah. Yeah. I knew I'm supposed to be here and the book was published and I'm able to coach people more freely here and with more grace. And then I have all this healing of this.

Pure, clean, radiant energy that's surrounding me. So, wow. There is a happily ever after, isn't it? Yes. That's fantastic. That's amazing. Well, how, how do you. Help people move past their toxic family bloodlines and relationships. So you mentioned you've got this in your family lineage, this toxic, these patterns.

So, you've talked a little bit about your journey through that, but I don't know if specifically addressing that toxicity, if you have any kind of advice or, For people who are going through that as well.[00:29:00] first I just wanna acknowledge it takes a lot of courage and it is taboo, I believe, still within our society, but most everybody has one toxic, somebody at some point in some family line, and there's no shame in it.

For me, it took a lot of talk. It took a lot of talk therapy to lay down the story, and I did that only because of the red flags that were happening. I'm sure that I could go back in every decade, tie some. Experience that I was feeling, some trauma that was playing out in my present to my past.

So it's, it was very important for me at least to, to dig back and create that storyline. And once I had the understanding and the storyline, it was really important to do somatic work because that's how I respond. through my body, and that's where the trauma pockets are held. [00:30:00] So I did a lot of somatic work and alternative therapies, and now I'm able to help others.

there's a lot of men and women that are just stuck carrying baggage. It doesn't belong to us. Mm. It does not belong. I have a client who's just the biggest bag of metal. Directly from his dad, who also was doing his best that he could, but he's just starting to drop that medal.

He really thought it was his to carry. Hmm. It's not. So really helping people understand physically where they are to come to a place of self soothing and compassion to wanna explore it. And then release it, and then I encourage them to share it with other people so we can have a conversation and we can let go of some of this jump that doesn't belong.

[00:31:00] Hmm. That's beautiful. Well, this is really, again, I just thank you so much for your, The work that you're putting out there and the way that you're using the, it's the mud and lotus, right? Like the, what you've grown out of and how you've done it so beautifully and purposefully, and then utilize that for others.

Can you talk a little bit about your book and let us know how people can find you and connect with you? if people want me, just go to Susan Gold, do us. That's the website, Susan gold.us. And then my book is, uh, all the regular places, Amazon, Barnes and Noble. It's called Toxic Family Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom.

And I just wanna say Toxic Family was not my original [00:32:00] title. It's my publishers Uhhuh. And he was like, oh, you're gonna get Jerry Springer on me. my title was, magical Illumination because that's, What I feel this has been. Mm-hmm. I love my family. I have gratitude, I have positive relationships with them.

I've really worked hard on creating healthy boundaries and being loving to myself while still holding relationship with them. And I have profound gratitude. So, so yeah. Toxic Family. What's the name of the book? That's funny. Did you have like, Did anybody in your family have a problem with that?

I can imagine that's like, wait, I don't want that to go out like that, cuz I don't want my family to think that I think they're toxic or, I think honestly between you and me, it goes right over some of their heads and others think, oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it, let's call a spade a spade.

Good title.[00:33:00] 

Yeah. But it took me a couple of weeks to not, to get over that feeling of I was gonna throw them under the bus and Yes. And I, have deep love and they've been supportive of me in adulthood. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Wonderful. thank you again. This has been such a joy to connect with you today. I really appreciate your time.

And thank you Kara, and thanks to your listeners as well. And again, I just really am humbled by the beauty of your content that you're producing and the heartfelt care you're delivering it with. Well, thank you so much. What a beautiful message. I appreciate that.